catching up...

ok lil bit is over 4 months old now, and as you can tell we've been busy!
he is great! developmentally he's either on track or advanced in all areas, which to be honest is almost the opposite of what we were told to expect. baby giggles fill the house and our families just love him to pieces.
we still have no idea where the case is going, but if it leads to us being his family forever it will be a family filled with love, joy and strength. the thought of him going home, makes me cry. the thought of him not getting to go home makes me cry too.
to be honest sometimes i wonder what god's plan is for this situation, but i'm trying my best to have faith that everything will work out.
i'm trying to become more active in the foster parent community. i think the support and understanding i could receive from other families in situations similar to ours would be beneficial.
i think my hub is in denial about the fact that lil bit may still return home to his mom and dad. it's difficult when we hear from the workers that he probabaly won't be returning home, but we know better than to believe anything until it's final.
so, for now i spend my days taking as many pictures as possible and making as many wonderful memories as i can in case one day he goes back to his mom and dad. i spend the other half making sure every piece of clothing, toy etc sent from his mom and dad stay in perfect condition in case he does stay with us so that he can see how loved is. the thought that if he goes home he might not know who i am or that i even existed terrifies me, how is it healthy to love someone so much, knowing that there might come a day i will never get to see my lil bit again?
sorry for this post being scattered and for ending on a sad note, but that's honestly the undertone of most of my days.
hugs and kisses,
one confused foster mama

the guilt

I'm a little surprised at the amount of guilt i feel throughout this whole process. Ok, I'm a lot surprised. My hub is the same way. We aren't celebrating Fathers' Day, we're celebrating Foster Father's Day... It just feels weird to him and me too a little. Like when Lil Bit goes on his visits with his mom and dad: I don't get to go and for safety reasons, I can't even be the one who drops him off. So someone we don't know comes and picks him up, takes him to visit with his parents (whom we never met) and a visit supervisor (another person we don't know) and then he's brought back to our house. Not a word on how the vist goes. And I hate it. Every visit day I get anxious and then the guilt sets in... Who am I to be nervous about Lil Bit? This must be what his parents feel on a daily basis, he's living with people they've never met. Lil Bit's new case worker is coming to meet him this week (this is where I imagine them shaking hands and the caseworker introducing himself to Lil Bit) so I'm hoping to have some sort of information after that. I just want to have an idea of what is going on with his case. I've never done this before so I have no idea of what to expect and all the while I've got this sweet little man to worry over.
You see, half of my guilt is what if he stays with us forever and doesn't know his birth parents. The other half is what if he goes home? I will be crushed, but do I have the right to feel that way? I worry will his parents make sure he gets his medicine and will they figure out how he likes to be held? HELLO? His mom must be thinking the same things right now!
Aaah the guilt... someone make it stop, please?

the "other man"

I always knew that when I became a (foster) parent I would seamlessly share time with my husband and our child. How could I not show the man of my dreams, who has been there and supported me from day one, how much I love and appreciate him on a daily basis?

this is how.

Lil bit is officially the "other man" in my life. Time that was once spent cuddling with my husband is now spent scooping up lil bit for "just one more" snuggle before bed. I can't help myself... Once that tiny hand reaches up in the air I feel like I have to pick him up, even if he's sleeping. Movie nights with the hub have turned into watching previews and falling asleep because the baby is. And my camera is out at all times, so the hand that was once free to hold my husbands is now busy snapping as many pictures of the baby as possible.

Hubs takes it all wonderfully, though. He is just as aware as I am that Lil Bit might not be with us forever or anywhere near it. He also makes sure Lil Bit knows just how loved he is for as long as he is with us. Which is indescribable.

Ok enough with the mushy gushy, but you have to admit (other than your own children's of course) that is THE cutest little hand you've ever seen.

Court

Learned that court has been extended again! If this is how long it takes to decide if Lil Bit stays in foster care or not, I can only imagine we're in for a long ride.
Lil Bit steals a bigger piece of my heart every day. It scares me how much I care for this itty bitty man. Lots of Dr's appointments and what not scheduled for this week so, if he stays with us, it'll be a busy one.
Still praying more than ever over him and hoping for the best outcome, whatever that my be.

Anxious

That's the best word to describe me right now. I am a major control freak, and right about now nothing feels like it's under control. I've done pretty good so far waiting on blood work results, and to hear about court dates and what not, but today it is just weighing on me so heavily.
I think it's because it's the end of the week, so most likely I'll be getting information today or having to wait until Monday. At least the rest of this week I could say "maybe tomorrow" but now if I don't hear anything the weekend will be pure torture. I just want to know what's going on so I can deal with it.
Sorry for the whine session, all. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!

lil' bit

talk about a whirlwind! on monday the hubs and I called our coordinator to discuss accepting placements... on wednesday we received a call about a newborn ready to come home from the hospital. as in any foster situation, we aren't sure if the result will be reunification or him being placed in adoptive status, but the worker from placement wanted him to go to a dually licensed home. i had to call hubs to get his opinion and during the time it took for him to get back to me another home was found for lil bit... BUT they weren't positive they were ready to adopt so the worker called us back! lil bit came home that night and he is PERFECT! the hub and I are definitely still adjusting to caring for a newborn, but if I had to guess I'd say he's one of the easier one's to handle (i literally just knocked on wood for saying that, if you love me you'll knock on wood too... just in case). as of right now, we don't know where the case is heading...
But I will say the amount of love I have for this tiny boy is enough to last a lifetime, if the opportunity arises.

I just want to thank lil bit for making my heart fuller than it has ever been, and ask God to watch over him and let what is the best for him be the result of this situation.

<3

be calm

that is my new mantra and it's actually starting to work.
the hubs is starting to come around and actually talk about what he's feeling rather than just say no.(let's hear it for the boy) in fact based on our most recent conversations, i'm pretty sure we'll be accepting placements again soon. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is discussing this with our home coordinator. she was kind of rude to us over the phone the last time we spoke and it left noth hubs and i with sour feelings towards her. ah well, guess when the time comes i'll just be calm.
any other advice?

so what's next?

The boys were only with us for the weekend, they arrived on friday and were placed with a relative monday evening. I am thrilled the boys got to go to a safe, familiar home.
I am not so thrilled that my husband doesn't know if he wants to foster any more.
I get that it was hard (we knew it would be)
I get that it was heart breaking when they left and didn't want to (we knew it would be)

I'm pretty thrown that he's so upset and making such a decision so quickly.
I'm doing what I've become accustomed to: preparing myself for the worst.
I've already mourned the fact that I may never have a biological child.
Now I feel like I need to mourn that I may never be a mother period.
You see, it's not that my husband no longer wants children. It's that now he wants biological children more than ever. He wants to start TTC again. We already did that for 2 years. 2 long, heartbreaking, tiresome, faith questioning, relationship testing years. But, those years were also hopeful and full of dreams and magical.

I'm feeling just about every emotion possible right now: sad, scared, angry, hopeful, anxious, excited... the list goes on and on.
pray for us...

1st Placement

Our first placement has happened! two boys: ''boots'' is 3 and so active! ''baby jaguar'' is 21 months and a little shy but has the sweetest smile i've ever seen.
the past two days have been rough, i'm not gonna lie. there's been lots of tears (myself included) and a huge lack of sleep for everyone. my husband has been so supportive during my lack of composure (he's been working early mornings so i've been left w/ night time duty on my own).
i've been having a lot of second thoughts about this these past two days, but i've been told that comes w/ the territory. it's not my goal to scare anyone away from fostering at all, this is just new to me and i've always tried to be honest w/ my feelings here.

happy mother's day to all the moms out there and to everyone who isn't a mother yet and struggles with today, a huge hug and a moment of recognization for how strong you really are!

I am the worst waiter ever...

and I'm not talking about the nice person who brings you your food at a restaurant.
We've been licensed for a month today. Only a month and already every time the phone rings I think this has got to be the foster agency! (also I only found out a few days ago that they could've called anytime between then and now. I thought there was a final meeting we needed to attend.)
Now, don't get me wrong I know it could still be months before a child comes into care that we'd be a good fit for. I get that. I just thought that I'd be better at waiting than I am. I am not a good waiter.

so close, but still feels so far

ok all, wednesday is FINALLY our for real for real final inspection before our file gets sent over to placement.
it was actually a miscommunication on our behalf that prolonged the meeting. oops!
wednesday has never felt so close (SO much to do!) and so far away (so much happening in between)! to be totally honest i have no idea how long it will be until a child is placed in our home, and even then we won't know what the permanency plan is right away.
but i can't stop myself from thinking "this might be the last birthday party i have to show up at without a child" or "maybe by next [insert nearest holiday] we'll have kids around" i even had to stop myself from buying a clearance toddler halloween costume the other day... it was NOT easy.
but, hopefully after wednesday we'll have some kind of concrete answer about something. i just want something to hold onto

back to waiting

i feel like were back to another waiting game. this time we're waiting for our home coordinator to contact us to do the review inspection of our home and send our info over to placement. i thought for sure she'd call this week. she didn't. BUT, i won't let it get to me! soon there will be children in our home, and even if they don't stay forever we will have made a difference in their lives! oh! and i'm waiting for something else. i won a copy of adoption nation by adam pertman over on adoptivemomma.com 's blog! i'm sure it will be good reading (as her blog is) and help pass some time in the waiting game :D have a great weekend everyone!

we're licensed!

we did it! we are officially licensed foster parents! apparently from here there is a transfer conference where they send all of our info over to the worker that will be working with us from now on, then she will contact us to set up a meeting and do a walk through of the house to make sure everything is still safe and up to par, and then our file gets sent out to "placements" meaning we could be called for a placement in our home. based on how long things have taken so far, i'm guessing this will take at least a month. but i can't even explain how excited i am! i can't wait for you all to take this next step with us! eeeek! now time to go celebrate!

still waiting

sorry to be gone so long and not have good news once i returned.
actually i kind of have no news.
we're still waiting.
in fact when we thought we were waiting before, we weren't.
at about the time i thought we were half way through the average 3 month wait to hear if we're licensed we had some more paper work to do. we got through it fairly easily and i was all oh i bet we're going to find out sooner than most people do. then the girl that's been doing our homestudy says ok, now we start the long wait.
oops thought i was already there. so now we're just hanging out waiting to see where things are heading. i'm not on here much but feel free to follow me on twitter cause most of my ideas come across in 140 characters or less anyways ;) @fireworks_hope

i've been sick

soooooo sooooo sick.
and it's really testing my patience with everything! hubs keeps reminding me that all of this will be so worth it in the end and i know he's right, but man i wish we could catch a break somewhere. there was a minor road bump in our application process (it's fixed now, just some peperwork stuff) but with me feeling the way i had been and other things going wrong (enough family drama to go around) and some financial issues that are taking a little longer to work themselves out than i thought (ok really like a week longer than i thought, i told you i'm sick: i'm whiny) i was sure this meant we weren't getting licensed.
so here we are waiting to find out if we're approved and in the meantime i'm getting plenty of rest so i'll be feeling all better if we are approved and it's time to care for some littles :)

and now we wait...

it's official, the hubs and i have done everything on our part of the licensing process.
so for now we just wait to see if we're approved.
um, it feels kinda weird.
i'm usually a pretty goal oriented person, so having to just sit and wait without anything else we can do is odd for me. our home study assesor said we may have a couple more questions to answer and that by the end of april we should know for sure what's going on.
now i need to find somwthing to keep us busy until then.
(if we do get licensed and have children with us and i complain about never having enough time to do anything, remind that i said something like this)

home makeover

i'm not sure if it's the weather, being stuck inside all day, or the fact that our final homestudy visit is coming up but i have this sudden urge to clean and rearrange my entire house. suddenly, nothing looks right to me. there are pictures that should be hung, couches that should be moved, our tv is in the wrong place, everything needs rearranged. so, that's what i'm doing this weekend. i'm heading home to do a thorough cleaning and rearranging. and i love love love how it feels to clean and rearrange the rooms in your house. i'm at work right now weriously excited to go home and clean. i even know what cleaning clothes i'm going to put on. and i'm thinking of making a cleaning list on pandora while i'm at work! it's ok, you can laugh at me. but, wanting to clean is a very very rare thing for me (when my mom finds out what i'm doing she'll probably be knocking on my front door to see if i have a fever, and my husband might pass out). don't get me wrong i do it, i just usually whine the whole time.

well, all by the end of the week everything that hubs and i have to do for the licensing process should be done... then we wait to see if we are approved.
meh, makes me nervous.

well, while i'm cleaning i'll be thinking of you all! hope you have a fabulous weekend!