lil' bit

talk about a whirlwind! on monday the hubs and I called our coordinator to discuss accepting placements... on wednesday we received a call about a newborn ready to come home from the hospital. as in any foster situation, we aren't sure if the result will be reunification or him being placed in adoptive status, but the worker from placement wanted him to go to a dually licensed home. i had to call hubs to get his opinion and during the time it took for him to get back to me another home was found for lil bit... BUT they weren't positive they were ready to adopt so the worker called us back! lil bit came home that night and he is PERFECT! the hub and I are definitely still adjusting to caring for a newborn, but if I had to guess I'd say he's one of the easier one's to handle (i literally just knocked on wood for saying that, if you love me you'll knock on wood too... just in case). as of right now, we don't know where the case is heading...
But I will say the amount of love I have for this tiny boy is enough to last a lifetime, if the opportunity arises.

I just want to thank lil bit for making my heart fuller than it has ever been, and ask God to watch over him and let what is the best for him be the result of this situation.

<3

be calm

that is my new mantra and it's actually starting to work.
the hubs is starting to come around and actually talk about what he's feeling rather than just say no.(let's hear it for the boy) in fact based on our most recent conversations, i'm pretty sure we'll be accepting placements again soon. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is discussing this with our home coordinator. she was kind of rude to us over the phone the last time we spoke and it left noth hubs and i with sour feelings towards her. ah well, guess when the time comes i'll just be calm.
any other advice?

so what's next?

The boys were only with us for the weekend, they arrived on friday and were placed with a relative monday evening. I am thrilled the boys got to go to a safe, familiar home.
I am not so thrilled that my husband doesn't know if he wants to foster any more.
I get that it was hard (we knew it would be)
I get that it was heart breaking when they left and didn't want to (we knew it would be)

I'm pretty thrown that he's so upset and making such a decision so quickly.
I'm doing what I've become accustomed to: preparing myself for the worst.
I've already mourned the fact that I may never have a biological child.
Now I feel like I need to mourn that I may never be a mother period.
You see, it's not that my husband no longer wants children. It's that now he wants biological children more than ever. He wants to start TTC again. We already did that for 2 years. 2 long, heartbreaking, tiresome, faith questioning, relationship testing years. But, those years were also hopeful and full of dreams and magical.

I'm feeling just about every emotion possible right now: sad, scared, angry, hopeful, anxious, excited... the list goes on and on.
pray for us...

1st Placement

Our first placement has happened! two boys: ''boots'' is 3 and so active! ''baby jaguar'' is 21 months and a little shy but has the sweetest smile i've ever seen.
the past two days have been rough, i'm not gonna lie. there's been lots of tears (myself included) and a huge lack of sleep for everyone. my husband has been so supportive during my lack of composure (he's been working early mornings so i've been left w/ night time duty on my own).
i've been having a lot of second thoughts about this these past two days, but i've been told that comes w/ the territory. it's not my goal to scare anyone away from fostering at all, this is just new to me and i've always tried to be honest w/ my feelings here.

happy mother's day to all the moms out there and to everyone who isn't a mother yet and struggles with today, a huge hug and a moment of recognization for how strong you really are!

I am the worst waiter ever...

and I'm not talking about the nice person who brings you your food at a restaurant.
We've been licensed for a month today. Only a month and already every time the phone rings I think this has got to be the foster agency! (also I only found out a few days ago that they could've called anytime between then and now. I thought there was a final meeting we needed to attend.)
Now, don't get me wrong I know it could still be months before a child comes into care that we'd be a good fit for. I get that. I just thought that I'd be better at waiting than I am. I am not a good waiter.

so close, but still feels so far

ok all, wednesday is FINALLY our for real for real final inspection before our file gets sent over to placement.
it was actually a miscommunication on our behalf that prolonged the meeting. oops!
wednesday has never felt so close (SO much to do!) and so far away (so much happening in between)! to be totally honest i have no idea how long it will be until a child is placed in our home, and even then we won't know what the permanency plan is right away.
but i can't stop myself from thinking "this might be the last birthday party i have to show up at without a child" or "maybe by next [insert nearest holiday] we'll have kids around" i even had to stop myself from buying a clearance toddler halloween costume the other day... it was NOT easy.
but, hopefully after wednesday we'll have some kind of concrete answer about something. i just want something to hold onto