the guilt

I'm a little surprised at the amount of guilt i feel throughout this whole process. Ok, I'm a lot surprised. My hub is the same way. We aren't celebrating Fathers' Day, we're celebrating Foster Father's Day... It just feels weird to him and me too a little. Like when Lil Bit goes on his visits with his mom and dad: I don't get to go and for safety reasons, I can't even be the one who drops him off. So someone we don't know comes and picks him up, takes him to visit with his parents (whom we never met) and a visit supervisor (another person we don't know) and then he's brought back to our house. Not a word on how the vist goes. And I hate it. Every visit day I get anxious and then the guilt sets in... Who am I to be nervous about Lil Bit? This must be what his parents feel on a daily basis, he's living with people they've never met. Lil Bit's new case worker is coming to meet him this week (this is where I imagine them shaking hands and the caseworker introducing himself to Lil Bit) so I'm hoping to have some sort of information after that. I just want to have an idea of what is going on with his case. I've never done this before so I have no idea of what to expect and all the while I've got this sweet little man to worry over.
You see, half of my guilt is what if he stays with us forever and doesn't know his birth parents. The other half is what if he goes home? I will be crushed, but do I have the right to feel that way? I worry will his parents make sure he gets his medicine and will they figure out how he likes to be held? HELLO? His mom must be thinking the same things right now!
Aaah the guilt... someone make it stop, please?

the "other man"

I always knew that when I became a (foster) parent I would seamlessly share time with my husband and our child. How could I not show the man of my dreams, who has been there and supported me from day one, how much I love and appreciate him on a daily basis?

this is how.

Lil bit is officially the "other man" in my life. Time that was once spent cuddling with my husband is now spent scooping up lil bit for "just one more" snuggle before bed. I can't help myself... Once that tiny hand reaches up in the air I feel like I have to pick him up, even if he's sleeping. Movie nights with the hub have turned into watching previews and falling asleep because the baby is. And my camera is out at all times, so the hand that was once free to hold my husbands is now busy snapping as many pictures of the baby as possible.

Hubs takes it all wonderfully, though. He is just as aware as I am that Lil Bit might not be with us forever or anywhere near it. He also makes sure Lil Bit knows just how loved he is for as long as he is with us. Which is indescribable.

Ok enough with the mushy gushy, but you have to admit (other than your own children's of course) that is THE cutest little hand you've ever seen.

Court

Learned that court has been extended again! If this is how long it takes to decide if Lil Bit stays in foster care or not, I can only imagine we're in for a long ride.
Lil Bit steals a bigger piece of my heart every day. It scares me how much I care for this itty bitty man. Lots of Dr's appointments and what not scheduled for this week so, if he stays with us, it'll be a busy one.
Still praying more than ever over him and hoping for the best outcome, whatever that my be.

Anxious

That's the best word to describe me right now. I am a major control freak, and right about now nothing feels like it's under control. I've done pretty good so far waiting on blood work results, and to hear about court dates and what not, but today it is just weighing on me so heavily.
I think it's because it's the end of the week, so most likely I'll be getting information today or having to wait until Monday. At least the rest of this week I could say "maybe tomorrow" but now if I don't hear anything the weekend will be pure torture. I just want to know what's going on so I can deal with it.
Sorry for the whine session, all. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!