catching up...

ok lil bit is over 4 months old now, and as you can tell we've been busy!
he is great! developmentally he's either on track or advanced in all areas, which to be honest is almost the opposite of what we were told to expect. baby giggles fill the house and our families just love him to pieces.
we still have no idea where the case is going, but if it leads to us being his family forever it will be a family filled with love, joy and strength. the thought of him going home, makes me cry. the thought of him not getting to go home makes me cry too.
to be honest sometimes i wonder what god's plan is for this situation, but i'm trying my best to have faith that everything will work out.
i'm trying to become more active in the foster parent community. i think the support and understanding i could receive from other families in situations similar to ours would be beneficial.
i think my hub is in denial about the fact that lil bit may still return home to his mom and dad. it's difficult when we hear from the workers that he probabaly won't be returning home, but we know better than to believe anything until it's final.
so, for now i spend my days taking as many pictures as possible and making as many wonderful memories as i can in case one day he goes back to his mom and dad. i spend the other half making sure every piece of clothing, toy etc sent from his mom and dad stay in perfect condition in case he does stay with us so that he can see how loved is. the thought that if he goes home he might not know who i am or that i even existed terrifies me, how is it healthy to love someone so much, knowing that there might come a day i will never get to see my lil bit again?
sorry for this post being scattered and for ending on a sad note, but that's honestly the undertone of most of my days.
hugs and kisses,
one confused foster mama

Anxious

That's the best word to describe me right now. I am a major control freak, and right about now nothing feels like it's under control. I've done pretty good so far waiting on blood work results, and to hear about court dates and what not, but today it is just weighing on me so heavily.
I think it's because it's the end of the week, so most likely I'll be getting information today or having to wait until Monday. At least the rest of this week I could say "maybe tomorrow" but now if I don't hear anything the weekend will be pure torture. I just want to know what's going on so I can deal with it.
Sorry for the whine session, all. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!

so what's next?

The boys were only with us for the weekend, they arrived on friday and were placed with a relative monday evening. I am thrilled the boys got to go to a safe, familiar home.
I am not so thrilled that my husband doesn't know if he wants to foster any more.
I get that it was hard (we knew it would be)
I get that it was heart breaking when they left and didn't want to (we knew it would be)

I'm pretty thrown that he's so upset and making such a decision so quickly.
I'm doing what I've become accustomed to: preparing myself for the worst.
I've already mourned the fact that I may never have a biological child.
Now I feel like I need to mourn that I may never be a mother period.
You see, it's not that my husband no longer wants children. It's that now he wants biological children more than ever. He wants to start TTC again. We already did that for 2 years. 2 long, heartbreaking, tiresome, faith questioning, relationship testing years. But, those years were also hopeful and full of dreams and magical.

I'm feeling just about every emotion possible right now: sad, scared, angry, hopeful, anxious, excited... the list goes on and on.
pray for us...

I am the worst waiter ever...

and I'm not talking about the nice person who brings you your food at a restaurant.
We've been licensed for a month today. Only a month and already every time the phone rings I think this has got to be the foster agency! (also I only found out a few days ago that they could've called anytime between then and now. I thought there was a final meeting we needed to attend.)
Now, don't get me wrong I know it could still be months before a child comes into care that we'd be a good fit for. I get that. I just thought that I'd be better at waiting than I am. I am not a good waiter.

we're licensed!

we did it! we are officially licensed foster parents! apparently from here there is a transfer conference where they send all of our info over to the worker that will be working with us from now on, then she will contact us to set up a meeting and do a walk through of the house to make sure everything is still safe and up to par, and then our file gets sent out to "placements" meaning we could be called for a placement in our home. based on how long things have taken so far, i'm guessing this will take at least a month. but i can't even explain how excited i am! i can't wait for you all to take this next step with us! eeeek! now time to go celebrate!

still waiting

sorry to be gone so long and not have good news once i returned.
actually i kind of have no news.
we're still waiting.
in fact when we thought we were waiting before, we weren't.
at about the time i thought we were half way through the average 3 month wait to hear if we're licensed we had some more paper work to do. we got through it fairly easily and i was all oh i bet we're going to find out sooner than most people do. then the girl that's been doing our homestudy says ok, now we start the long wait.
oops thought i was already there. so now we're just hanging out waiting to see where things are heading. i'm not on here much but feel free to follow me on twitter cause most of my ideas come across in 140 characters or less anyways ;) @fireworks_hope

Patience is a Virtue... aka oompa loompa's are taunting me

and apparently i am not that virtuous...lol
oh my goodness y'all, i have lost all patience lately. i used to be a very patient person, it was one of my best qualities, i boasted about my patience and understanding and blah, blah, blah...
then, i decided i wanted children (correction: have always wanted children, decided i was ready for them) and all patience went out the window.
i'm like the little brat from willy wonka... BUT daddy i want a baby and i want it RIGHT NOW!!!! (i can here the infertility oompa loompas in the background now... oompa loompa doopity dee the one thing you aren't getting right now is a babyyyyy)
seriously guys, while the hubs and i were doing our foster care training i was fine, i was occupied. now we're waiting on our cpr certifications before we can continue and i'm going crazy!
i'll do good keeping myself busy and trying to focus on the holidays coming up and then a christmas commercial comes on with a happy family opening presents and everyone's hugging and i go all golden egg again...
i think i need a hobby to keep me occupied... maybe i'll look into making candy

i'm baaaack!

ok kids i'm back! and i deleted my last debbi downer post because who wants to read something all whiney and pessimistic in a blog about hope? sorry for the absence lots o' drama with extended family then i got really sick for like two weeks which felt like two years!

anywho foster training is coming along well! working on paperwork and application stuff and have to make up a couple classes the beginning of next month from when I was sick then it's on to the homestudy! I am nervous for that part, I'll be honest, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there! For now the hubs and I are just trucking along getting stuff ready and trying to not let our excitement get the best of us while we wait!

later, lovies!

p.s. big thanks to my twitlet who reminded me to update!!!

and so we begin!

Sorry for the lack of posts, but we've been a busy household this week. And next week isn't looking any less busy at all! But, I am very thankful for the chaos. We start our foster care training the end of this week and I am nerrrrvvvvooouuuussssss! I know I shouldn't be, but I am. And, the mister is satarting a new job this week!
We will be busy, but it will be well worth it!
Also, my mother has stolen my heart all over again... she left a massive amount of baby and toddler stuff that she's been picking up at yard sales on my front porch for us yesterday. I. Love. That. Woman. [Also, shout to my dad and sister for being her yard sale assistants :) ]
well, i am off to do some blog reading my lovies,
have a great weekend!

heffalumps and woozles (aka the fear)

For those of you who didn't grow up with winnie the pooh sing-a-longs heffalumps and woozles are those sneaky little creatures pooh thinks are out to steal his pot of honey.
Lately I've had my own share of heffalumps. I'm not worried about any pots of honey, but I am worried about my ability to become a mother. My husband and I have come to terms with the fact that we may never conceive a child. How our babies come to us was never really the important part, which is one of the main reasons we opted out of trying treatment and went towards adoption. However not being able to be parents is another story. This is where the heffalumps start popping in to say hello and the woozles creep into my dreams at night.
I'll be the first to say it... I am afraid!
I'm scared we won't be approved. Or that we'll never find a child for permanent placement. Or there will be an error in paperwork. But mostly I'm scared someone is going to look at me and my wonderful husband, who would be the best father in the world, and say we don't get to be parents.
Ugh that was rough, I think I need some honey.