so what's next?

The boys were only with us for the weekend, they arrived on friday and were placed with a relative monday evening. I am thrilled the boys got to go to a safe, familiar home.
I am not so thrilled that my husband doesn't know if he wants to foster any more.
I get that it was hard (we knew it would be)
I get that it was heart breaking when they left and didn't want to (we knew it would be)

I'm pretty thrown that he's so upset and making such a decision so quickly.
I'm doing what I've become accustomed to: preparing myself for the worst.
I've already mourned the fact that I may never have a biological child.
Now I feel like I need to mourn that I may never be a mother period.
You see, it's not that my husband no longer wants children. It's that now he wants biological children more than ever. He wants to start TTC again. We already did that for 2 years. 2 long, heartbreaking, tiresome, faith questioning, relationship testing years. But, those years were also hopeful and full of dreams and magical.

I'm feeling just about every emotion possible right now: sad, scared, angry, hopeful, anxious, excited... the list goes on and on.
pray for us...

goodbye 2010

Dear 2010,
it's been real. i learned a lot about myself, and my realtionship this year. it wasn't easy, nor was it how i thought things would turn out but thank you. thank you for showing me that even if my husband and i can't have children we will be a family. thank you for showing me that i have friends and family that will love and cherish our future children no matter how they join our family. thank you for testing my faith and making me realize it's still there. but mostly thank you for hope. we needed it.

here's to 2011

heffalumps and woozles (aka the fear)

For those of you who didn't grow up with winnie the pooh sing-a-longs heffalumps and woozles are those sneaky little creatures pooh thinks are out to steal his pot of honey.
Lately I've had my own share of heffalumps. I'm not worried about any pots of honey, but I am worried about my ability to become a mother. My husband and I have come to terms with the fact that we may never conceive a child. How our babies come to us was never really the important part, which is one of the main reasons we opted out of trying treatment and went towards adoption. However not being able to be parents is another story. This is where the heffalumps start popping in to say hello and the woozles creep into my dreams at night.
I'll be the first to say it... I am afraid!
I'm scared we won't be approved. Or that we'll never find a child for permanent placement. Or there will be an error in paperwork. But mostly I'm scared someone is going to look at me and my wonderful husband, who would be the best father in the world, and say we don't get to be parents.
Ugh that was rough, I think I need some honey.