catching up...

ok lil bit is over 4 months old now, and as you can tell we've been busy!
he is great! developmentally he's either on track or advanced in all areas, which to be honest is almost the opposite of what we were told to expect. baby giggles fill the house and our families just love him to pieces.
we still have no idea where the case is going, but if it leads to us being his family forever it will be a family filled with love, joy and strength. the thought of him going home, makes me cry. the thought of him not getting to go home makes me cry too.
to be honest sometimes i wonder what god's plan is for this situation, but i'm trying my best to have faith that everything will work out.
i'm trying to become more active in the foster parent community. i think the support and understanding i could receive from other families in situations similar to ours would be beneficial.
i think my hub is in denial about the fact that lil bit may still return home to his mom and dad. it's difficult when we hear from the workers that he probabaly won't be returning home, but we know better than to believe anything until it's final.
so, for now i spend my days taking as many pictures as possible and making as many wonderful memories as i can in case one day he goes back to his mom and dad. i spend the other half making sure every piece of clothing, toy etc sent from his mom and dad stay in perfect condition in case he does stay with us so that he can see how loved is. the thought that if he goes home he might not know who i am or that i even existed terrifies me, how is it healthy to love someone so much, knowing that there might come a day i will never get to see my lil bit again?
sorry for this post being scattered and for ending on a sad note, but that's honestly the undertone of most of my days.
hugs and kisses,
one confused foster mama

the guilt

I'm a little surprised at the amount of guilt i feel throughout this whole process. Ok, I'm a lot surprised. My hub is the same way. We aren't celebrating Fathers' Day, we're celebrating Foster Father's Day... It just feels weird to him and me too a little. Like when Lil Bit goes on his visits with his mom and dad: I don't get to go and for safety reasons, I can't even be the one who drops him off. So someone we don't know comes and picks him up, takes him to visit with his parents (whom we never met) and a visit supervisor (another person we don't know) and then he's brought back to our house. Not a word on how the vist goes. And I hate it. Every visit day I get anxious and then the guilt sets in... Who am I to be nervous about Lil Bit? This must be what his parents feel on a daily basis, he's living with people they've never met. Lil Bit's new case worker is coming to meet him this week (this is where I imagine them shaking hands and the caseworker introducing himself to Lil Bit) so I'm hoping to have some sort of information after that. I just want to have an idea of what is going on with his case. I've never done this before so I have no idea of what to expect and all the while I've got this sweet little man to worry over.
You see, half of my guilt is what if he stays with us forever and doesn't know his birth parents. The other half is what if he goes home? I will be crushed, but do I have the right to feel that way? I worry will his parents make sure he gets his medicine and will they figure out how he likes to be held? HELLO? His mom must be thinking the same things right now!
Aaah the guilt... someone make it stop, please?

the "other man"

I always knew that when I became a (foster) parent I would seamlessly share time with my husband and our child. How could I not show the man of my dreams, who has been there and supported me from day one, how much I love and appreciate him on a daily basis?

this is how.

Lil bit is officially the "other man" in my life. Time that was once spent cuddling with my husband is now spent scooping up lil bit for "just one more" snuggle before bed. I can't help myself... Once that tiny hand reaches up in the air I feel like I have to pick him up, even if he's sleeping. Movie nights with the hub have turned into watching previews and falling asleep because the baby is. And my camera is out at all times, so the hand that was once free to hold my husbands is now busy snapping as many pictures of the baby as possible.

Hubs takes it all wonderfully, though. He is just as aware as I am that Lil Bit might not be with us forever or anywhere near it. He also makes sure Lil Bit knows just how loved he is for as long as he is with us. Which is indescribable.

Ok enough with the mushy gushy, but you have to admit (other than your own children's of course) that is THE cutest little hand you've ever seen.

Court

Learned that court has been extended again! If this is how long it takes to decide if Lil Bit stays in foster care or not, I can only imagine we're in for a long ride.
Lil Bit steals a bigger piece of my heart every day. It scares me how much I care for this itty bitty man. Lots of Dr's appointments and what not scheduled for this week so, if he stays with us, it'll be a busy one.
Still praying more than ever over him and hoping for the best outcome, whatever that my be.

Anxious

That's the best word to describe me right now. I am a major control freak, and right about now nothing feels like it's under control. I've done pretty good so far waiting on blood work results, and to hear about court dates and what not, but today it is just weighing on me so heavily.
I think it's because it's the end of the week, so most likely I'll be getting information today or having to wait until Monday. At least the rest of this week I could say "maybe tomorrow" but now if I don't hear anything the weekend will be pure torture. I just want to know what's going on so I can deal with it.
Sorry for the whine session, all. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!

lil' bit

talk about a whirlwind! on monday the hubs and I called our coordinator to discuss accepting placements... on wednesday we received a call about a newborn ready to come home from the hospital. as in any foster situation, we aren't sure if the result will be reunification or him being placed in adoptive status, but the worker from placement wanted him to go to a dually licensed home. i had to call hubs to get his opinion and during the time it took for him to get back to me another home was found for lil bit... BUT they weren't positive they were ready to adopt so the worker called us back! lil bit came home that night and he is PERFECT! the hub and I are definitely still adjusting to caring for a newborn, but if I had to guess I'd say he's one of the easier one's to handle (i literally just knocked on wood for saying that, if you love me you'll knock on wood too... just in case). as of right now, we don't know where the case is heading...
But I will say the amount of love I have for this tiny boy is enough to last a lifetime, if the opportunity arises.

I just want to thank lil bit for making my heart fuller than it has ever been, and ask God to watch over him and let what is the best for him be the result of this situation.

<3

be calm

that is my new mantra and it's actually starting to work.
the hubs is starting to come around and actually talk about what he's feeling rather than just say no.(let's hear it for the boy) in fact based on our most recent conversations, i'm pretty sure we'll be accepting placements again soon. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is discussing this with our home coordinator. she was kind of rude to us over the phone the last time we spoke and it left noth hubs and i with sour feelings towards her. ah well, guess when the time comes i'll just be calm.
any other advice?